dreaming myself awake

I believe I am dreaming
as I sit
and simmer
in juices
still hot
from the flame
you were.

I wonder
if I am awake
as I pine
and sift
through what I know,
hope
and believe
is true
even as the foundation
crumbles
beneath
my feet.

I wonder where I am
when I sit
in your silence
and wonder
about you...

...I imagine you
sitting in your garage
sipping wine
and imagining me
sitting on my porch
sipping a cocktail
as I imagine
about
you.

I do not know
if I am asleep
or awake
for every day
has become
a bad dream.

I do not know
what real
means
anymore.

I do not know
how to sleep
without your weight
pressing down
on my heart.

Even as I wonder
how your worry
seeps in
to infect your dreams
even as your days
come
to challenge
anew.

I imagine
the confusion,
the worry,
the stress,
the immense weight
of it all
bearing down on you...

..even as I,
to my own demise,
sit
and email
you
another poem
you will not condemn
but also
somehow
do not
accept...

...so I might wake
a few hours
from now
to the renewed
realization
of what a fool
I have become.

...and all
for the ridiculous idea
of a fantastical notion
and a romantic
idea...

...a thing
I have sought
and thought
I had found...

...all
for love.

...all
for love
of you.

awake
or a dream,
it all
means the same
to me.